Monday, 12 August 2013

Historic English Football Club for Sale

Script for personal sales presentation by Kenny Craig to be available in Russian, Turkish, Arabic, Chinese as well as English. Mood lighting, unusually strong alcohol, hard tobacco, spitoons and attractive serving personnel (to be hired in).

Real drum role to precede delivery. Spotlight on Kenny as he takes the stage. 

"I am delighted to be able to bring you the essential high-level detail approximanus of a unique opportunity to acquire outright ownership of one of England's most famous football clubs, if indeed, not the most famous of them all. My clients have entrusted exclusive selling rights to me personally for a limited period only but which comes with a series of never-to-be-repeated once-in-a-lifetime purchase-now options during this golden moment.

When I say "my clients," I am referring, of course, to my immediate contacts whose names appear on the paperwork etc. Discretion is an essential part in funding this football club and the ultimate owners wish to remain anonymous throughout to avoid any unnecessarily unfair or negative PR or indeed, any unfortunate public incidents post-sale, as well as maintaining an air of mystique. Look into my eyes, into my eyes, into my eyes, not around my eyes, not around my eyes but into my eyes.

I trust you will appreciate the need for me to choose my words very carefully as I continue in order to maintain the absolute anonymity of my ultimate patrons as well, of course, as the famous club in question. Upon satisfactory completion of your Buyer Credentials and formal Intention to Purchase (English Law), the club in question will be confirmed, if indeed, any doubt can remain. In the meantime, I will tempt you with the following mouth-watering cluations as you look into my eyes, into my yes, not around my eyes, but into my eyes.

- a Premier League Club in everything but the top flight itself (currently enjoying a break from TV exposure).

- a one hundred plus year heritage in the top echelons of the British game.

- post-second-World-War F A Cup Winners.

- a proud history, indeed, dare I say it au contraire, a tradition of concentrating almost exclusively on League football ("soddo la cup" is the early Latin motto from our public school beginnings). 

- full ownership of a state-of-the-art football stadium in one of the most sought-after locations in a capital city with enviable training facilities to match.

- record home attendance of over 75,000. 

- over 10,000 00 current season ticket holders, most of whom attend on occasion when the weather's fair and it's not too dark. 

- three different full-price strips available on a strict contracted replacement, available from the suppliers onsite Superstore  - Kerching! (no seasons highlights DVD though). 

- a highly contentious money-spinning global Internet commentary service which brings a lot of amusement to its' legions of dedicated followers not to mention a uniformly intuitive-clumso Club website which racks up the page hits as users career aimlessly looking for the merest snippet of vital information. 

- personal freedom to fuck about with the clubs colours, nicknames, traditions etc as is vogue e.g. Red is said to be lucky in the Far East Stand. 

- preluditory agreement with the maleable local authorities for public funding for an even newer state-of-the-arter football stadium to be built somewhere less convenient maybe to enable full cash-in value of the current plot for housing for the poor (even more supporters), ney as a continuation of our award winning community initiative thingy. 

- new stadium naming rights worth millions £££ to be negotiated exclusively by you. 

- development options on providing branded infrastructure such as transport links (roads, drainage, Eco buses, solar powered trains etc), multi-functional hotels, inclusive restaurants and seedy bars at the new location which will effectively be a blank canvass for mind-limitless revenue generating opportunities for your grand children to dream about. 

- current squad playing assets of c £50m minus depreciation post realisation judicio but with co-terminus playing contracts (less than 1 year). So, minimal contractual exposure if you decide just to cash in on property development and naming rights of the community centre. 

- current operating costs exceeding incoming fundation although all debt leveragitation to date and full consideration given in the asking price of £50m (no time wasters or hagglers). 

- first buyer wins, no questions asked. 

- look into my eyes, into my eyes, into my eyes. - not around my eyes, not around my eyes, but into my eyes. 

Thank you for listening. Let us retire now for appropriate refreshments and the order forms."

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